self-calibration in 3… 2… 1…

every now and then, i get a little (or a lot) un-aligned with myself. i let myself get carried away with things in life, and dragged along paths that i don’t really want to be on. they’re things that distract me, things that start out small but blow up and take more place than they deserve. petty things. and then i need to stop and think, and realize how small the blown-up things really are. how it doesn’t matter, and what does. i re-direct the camera lens and see myself shift into focus. it’s funny how i never notice myself blurring until i’m gone. but i always come back. i’m always reminded of my main agenda and it all becomes clear again. be a rockstar. whitehotbrilliant. re-aligned. centered. calibration complete.

Advertisements

15 texts i almost sent you

1. I left my favorite pair of underwear at your house. I know your mother hates me, can I come pick them up?
[delete]
2. It’s been almost a month and I still miss you like a fucking limb.
[delete]
3. I didn’t know my bones could ache until I met you.
[delete]
4. You know, a week before we broke up, do you remember? I had bought a book of poetry. You asked why I didn’t read something more interesting and I could feel my insides splinter.
[delete]
5. You said poetry was all lies dressed up to sound pretty. When I look at you these days, I want to ask if sadness sounds pretty to you too.
[delete]
6. It’s 3 a.m. and this alcohol tastes like you.
[delete]
7. I saw you staring at me today during Lit class. I smiled at you and you didn’t smile back. I almost cried.
[delete]
8. The girl who sits next to me smells like you. 
[delete]
9. I miss you.
[delete]
10. I have never had so many bad nights.
[delete]
11. Sometimes I write poetry about you on the internet. Strangers who have never met either of us think you’re cruel – they tell me if they had the honor of loving me, we’d have sex three times a day and they’d scream my name when they came.
[delete]
12. They think it is beautiful, how I am broken. I don’t think they understand.
[delete]
13. You used to tell me I was beautiful. I tried saying it in the mirror the other day, but it sounded wrong without your mouth wrapped around it.
[delete]
14. Everything I say sounds wrong without your mouth wrapped around it.
[delete]
15. We were never in love, but, oh God, we could have been. 
[delete]

by D.A.S.

he was a diplomat’s son. it was ’81

it’s not right but it’s now or never 
and if i wait could i ever forgive myself? 

on a night when the moon glows yellow in the riptide 
with the light from the tvs buzzing in the house 

’cause i’m gonna cut it where i can 
and then i’m gonna duck out behind them 
if i ever had a chance it’s now then 
but i never had the feeling i could offer that to you 

to offer it to you would be cruel 
when all i want to do is use, use you 

he was a diplomat’s son 
it was ‘81 

dressed in white with my car keys hidden in the kitchen 
i could sleep wherever i lay my head 

and the sight of your two shoes sitting in the bathtub 
let me know that i shouldn’t give up just yet 

’cause i’m gonna take it from simon 
and then i’m gonna duck out behind them 
if i ever had a chance it’s now then 
but i never had the feeling i could offer that to you 

to offer it to you would be cruel 
when all i want to do is use, use you 

he was a diplomat’s son 
it was ‘81 

i know, you’ll say 
i’m not doing it right 
but this is how i want it 

i can’t go back 
to how i felt before— 

that night i smoked a joint 
with my best friend 
we found ourselves in bed 
when i woke up he was gone 

he was the diplomat’s son 
it was ‘81 

looking out at the ice-cold water all around me 
i can’t feel any traces of that other place 

in the dark when the wind comes racing off the river 
there’s a car all black with diplomatic plates

frankie & freddie

the sun blazed, warming the city streets. smoke filled the air as he exhaled, blending with the grey of his eyes and hazing their intensity for just a moment. she looked down into her glass of lemonade, grinning. “oh please quit the smoking, why don’t you?” she said it teasingly, a line as comfortable as an old pair of shoes. it was an argument they’d had for years: one that had started with screams and tears, but had lost its bite as they got older. now, it was more a show of affection, their way of reminding each other that some things would always stay the same. and if that was her way of saying “i’ll always love you”, then there was no mistaking his feelings for her when they echoed through the low timber of his voice: “fuck you.”

she put the straw to her lips and took a deep drag. light flashed through the glass, shining through the translucent liquid. she raised her head and tilted it down just a little to peek at him through the top of her black shades. when she saw his smirk, laced with frustration, she bit down on the plastic. her grin widened as she gave him a wink. she loved the way she could push his buttons. it gave her a real kick. “you’re diabolical.”, he said with a laugh. she leaned back in her chair, spreading her legs out before her. they were on fire. she almost regretted wearing her usual black jeans in the midsummer heat, but just almost. it was her thing, and when she thought about even mother earth trying to tell her what to do, she reveled in the burn.

“so, what happened after we hung up yesterday?” she asked, letting go of the teasing. he jumped up a little, quickly reaching over to the table next to him to put the cigarette out, ashes harshly breaking the stark white of the tray. there was that honest to god sparkle in his eyes again. she could swear that his eyes came with a pair of zippos built in them, flicking open whenever he thought of something particularly exciting. “oh man, right! something pretty great happened actually. on our way to that… thing, whatever the hell that was,” he waved dismissively with his hand, “eddie and i were talking about something, i don’t even remember what it was. anyways, out of nowhere, this old lady sitting on a park bench, you know the ones by the fountain? right, one of those. so this lady just points at us as we’re passing by and kind of shouts ‘joseph!’, ‘phil!’. and eddie’s just ready to speed up and get the hell out of there, you know how freaked out he gets, but i’m just amused as hell. i was in a state at that point. well yeah, you know.” she did know, his alcoholized soliloquizing had kept her company for hours. she just nodded, and he continued: “so i go: ‘what, did we just get baptized or something?’. but then i feel really bad, because she gets this incredibly sad expression on her face. like i deeply hurt her or something. and then i just feel like crying, because she looks so sad. so i sit down next to her to apologize, but then she smiles, still really sadly, and starts talking about her life back in the day. turns out joseph and phil were part of her gang, and she just tells us about all of these crazy things they used to get up to!” as he raved on about the conversation he had with an old lady on a park bench, she listened intently. she didn’t feel anything more than a slight amusement towards his story, these things happened to him all the time. but there was still something about the way he told them that had her transfixed. even after all this time, he still fascinated her endlessly.

he suddenly stopped talking, looking down at the ground. “you’re doing that thing again”, he grumbled. “what thing?” she asked, puzzled. she wasn’t doing a thing? he met her eyes, steel grey striking her. “the thing where you study me like i’m some newly discovered creature.” she rolled her eyes, acting like he didn’t just see right through her. as she felt the heat rising in her cheeks, she thanked the heavens above that he wouldn’t be able to tell. “wait, what do you mean ‘whatever that was’? i thought you were going to a gig?” she changed the subject, knowing that he’d latch on right away. “yeah well, is a gig still a gig if it’s just kids moshing in a basement to music being played by other kids? with really shitty sound, i might add.” she scrunched up her nose. “that does sound a bit like a ‘whatever the hell that was’.” they shared a laugh, both turning to look at the people passing by in front of them. they were all still headed somewhere, but at least the summertime had slowed their paces a little. it was hard to ignore, she thought. the world really envelopes you this time of year.

she briefly wondered if he was thinking the same thing as her, but instantly stopped herself. that was statistically unlikely, and a silly thought to have in the first place. she snuck a glance at him, seeing him suddenly narrow his eyes at a girl passing by. she smiled to herself, confused, yet again. well, she couldn’t really blame herself for having silly thoughts when they were about the silliest person she knew. “the sky was so pretty there for a while. you would have loved it.” he murmured, almost as if he was thinking out loud. she was confused for a moment, before realizing he was still talking about last night. she thought about it for a while, then remembered: “i saw it. gorgeous.” a silence fell between them. long, comfortable, only broken by the occasional sound of her taking drags of lemonade through the straw.

hello

first drunken post text it. i just came home, and everything is spinning and i am extremely frustrated. what i ask is not much, so why must the universe be so stubborn and insist that you ask nothing at all? life is about restraint: you can’t come off like this, you can’t show that… well life, grow up. and by life, i mean boys… and men. pince-nez are those kind of glasses that don’t have earpieces. i can write that because i’m in a state of inebriation. i can say and do all kinds of things under the excuse of inebriation. is beauty really terror? do we quiver before it? i think yes, in cases when beauty has a heartbeat. christmas is coming up, and i might as well bring up the fact that i turned 20, and that i went to london, as well. comme ci, comme ça. life is strange these days. i’m really priding myself in my ability to write coherent sentences right now, as the letters are spinning around and around. i think alcohol contains an amount of lead, because my limbs feel extremely heavy at this point. so do my eyelids. love you, bye.