I get in this mood sometimes. A period of time that comes along once every couple of months or so. It just hits out of nowhere, this heaviness. A “funk”, I call it. It’s really just loneliness. A feeling that always resides within me, but manages to take the backseat for other, more important emotions. More vivid ones. But every once in a while, it comes up for air… takes over really. It’s a little bit funny, how loneliness feels. In life, whenever something happens and I’m reminded that the only thing I’m sure I have is myself, it leaves me feeling chilly inside. But the funk – it’s warm. No, it’s burning hot and heavy and slow-flowing. Like lava. I’ve always just waited it out, let it come and go, like it always does. Today though, I managed to take a break from it. Well, take it into my own hands and manipulate it.
I fought fire with fire. One weakness with another. Today, I used my unhealthily strong need to please others, and went on with my day. Despite my funk. I saw a movie. Fast and Furious 6. And I don’t know if it helped, or made the funk worse, but at least it was a change. Change is good. A movie like Fast 6 is interesting, because either you get it, or you don’t. But if you do, it gives you such a rush. Yes, it’s ridiculous. But, it’s incredibly exhilarating. If you’re into it, it gives you the biggest kick. Honestly, it’s like a drug. From a heterosexual female’s perspective, the figurative testosterone flowing in the theatre isn’t half bad, but the adrenaline flowing through your veins is amazing. It really is. Such a high.
This, I was expecting. And I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. I did not, however, expect myself to wipe away a tear at the end of the movie. To trivialize things – my OTP is no more. Gisele dies to save Han, and we know from the third film that Han will eventually die. This all made sense to me, even before the movie, but I’d repressed it. I’d clung to the hope that the third film was actually set either in the very distant future or a parallel universe*, but seeing it happen was actually devastating. I loved them together. I loved them separately.** I was, I am heartbroken. And I realized I’d fallen into the trap. The “saying goodbye” trap. I hate saying goodbye. I’m excellent at letting things go, moving on once something is gone, but every time I have to say goodbye to something – a part of me dies. So all my emotions did this time was veer off the loneliness onto other side-lanes – from excitement, to sorrow. And now I’m back on the main road. I’m blue again. But with me, I have traces of that excitement and sorrow left. It’s fiction, but the feelings are reality.
Me too Han, me too.***
This post is all over the place, I know. But it works. Let’s just call it stream-of-consciousness or something.
* Don’t judge me, with the way that film was executed, that would have made sense.
** Plus the fact that Han**** is weirdly hot, and the only male character I found attractive on a personal level despite the plethora of male characters. I can also take this moment to state that yes, The Fast and The Furious franchise is sexist, but not as sexist as you’d think. It does have a mainly male cast, but the female characters portrayed are fully three-dimensional… and happen to be badasses. However, a big boo to the montage of girls dancing in skimpy outfits for a full minute – add a minute of shirtless hot guys doing the same thing or no dice.
*** Also, this was the moment when Han/Gisele started and I can’t deal with that because it was all so perfect. Why must all good things come to an end?
**** I don’t think you can give your asterisk an asterisk but this is my kingdom so I can do whatever I want. I just googled Han and Wiki tells me that the full name of the character is Han Seoul-Oh. The asian version of Han Solo. Be still, my beating heart.