i will not be cut into pieces

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fool’s gold

just finished the transcript of this poem, written and preformed by frankie reese. it took a while, but it was worth it. i long for the day when i can make art as achingly beautiful as hers.

 

hopes and dreams are only hopes and dreams until you help them become your reality. i was hoping we would have changed with the times. somehow, some way kept up with the ripples and wrinkles in life, but it seems as though high tide has gotten the better of both you and i. and perhaps we were nothing but casualties in an unfair game of love and war; left to drift away at sea; sinking under the weight of our own shortcomings. set ablaze by our brethren like vikings.

but i figured by now i would have been reborn, drifted somewhere ashore to start anew and love some more. i thought you would have hung up your jersey, quit doing bitches dirty. i thought you wouldn’t do to them all the things you’ve done to hurt me. war crimes for which you’re sure you’ll pay a price, in a distant reality not yet spawned. the approaching dawn tonight, three years too long. the final chord and the longest song ever recorded.

let’s see. well that was my own fault, the hasteless night had me thinking crazy. how could have i have been so cruel to my baby? my foolish heart had my rationale in a half nelson from the start. who would have thought we’d have drifted so terribly far apart it’s united – we feel each other’s tessellations. how could we have been so shameless? mislabeled the nameless beauty that lingered in and around and all over our oneness. but that was then and i suppose this is now – but how?

i’ve been jaded a shade so sea green i don’t even recognize my own reflection, don’t know the girl staring back at me – fuck, this is one hell of a lesson. i feel as though i’ve been dissected and laid out for everyone to see. oh captain, my captain, you’ve made such a fool of me. first maidy or lady, i would have never abandoned ship, but what you said went so… so be it. and so would went one long hard year you spent living rent free in my head, pirating my happiness. but i digress.

perhaps we’re in a time warp; perhaps i’ve gone mad; perhaps i’m drowning, but there’s no knowing. couldn’t tell you in which direction i am going. can’t distinguish the difference between sinking and floating. what’s a girl like me to do? do i ask for help or proudly struggle in deep waters?

but maybe this is just what happens when captains abandon ship; maybe we deserve this ship; maybe we live as reminders in each other’s heads to never, not ever leave anyone for dead. for they will haunt you every last second of every last day. i’m tugboating a ghost ship with a crew so cruel they call themselves memories and they always fucking with me. and i try to ignore them but they come rushing, pouring inside my head. a constant reminder of the dead, whispering things to me that were left unsaid. the torment is ceaseless. my silent demons, my ailments, they’re help and i’m killing their captain who’s abandoned ship. is this, could it be my perpetual punishment?

and yeah, i believe in second chances and advancements but these phantoms have got it out for me. does it feel the same way on your end of the sea? can you sympathize with me? oh captain, my captain, do you still have an anchor? or are you too capsizing and diving into an ocean of emotions and compensating numbness with peculiar potions like your former first maidy? do we feel the same tug and pull from the same pale moon? do your tides rise and recede? does your crew, too, torment thee?

we need some sort of way out. we need to find the lighthouse, a harbor where we can both dock these ships forever – forget about bad weather and the conditions of being who we once were.